Journey of Faith

All things are possible through Christ

Happy Endings

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Happy Endings.”

Well, I have tried to quit sugar and soda many times. I am yet to be successful. I am actually right now trying to quit. I know the excess sugar isn’t good for me. I eat candy and drink soda when I am stressed and lately that has been most of the time. I am trying to make small changes and instead of having a soda every day, maybe its every other day. I celebrate the small victories, when I go a day without soda or candy. I know I couldn’t quit cold turkey. The temptation would be too great. I have tried this method before and it really did not work well for me.

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Silence

I am sorry I haven’t posted in a while. Last week was really hectic at my house.

I have gone through so much in the last 10 years and only a handful of people outside of my family really know about it. I was thinking this morning and wondering why so many of us suffer and do not tell anyone. I know for me it was a feeling of guilt for having the feelings I had or just plain embarrassment. Even if I was with a group and someone mentioned something similar to what I was going through, I wouldn’t always speak up.

Part of my goal with this blog is to speak out more. To put those feelings out there. I did a lot of reading when I was going through my various times of crisis, and had it not been for those brave women sharing their story, I would not of had the hope I did.

We all have stories to share, good and bad. Let’s share and help someone else.

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For better or worse

My husband and i will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary this year. I can not believe it has been 10 years. Time goes so fast. We have been through many trials and tribulations in our marriage. Four months in and we were already facing our first pregnancy loss. That soon put us on the path of infertility treatments and doctor’s visits and timing everything and checking calendars and all that. For those that have been there, you know how stressful that can be.

After our children were born, we were faced with navigating the world of having children with special needs.

I am happy to say that what we have been through has brought us closer together. My husband is a wonderful man of God and I am so blessed to have him in my life. He works hard and provides for his family. He is an excellent father and I just love watching him play with our children.

While we still have our ups and downs and face our challenges, I couldn’t do this without him and I wouldn’t want to.

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Not how I imagined….

Have you ever said those words? This is not how I imagined it would be? I have. Plenty of times.

In fact, I said them to myself just this morning. After I had this thought, an epiphany came to me.

Of course it’s not how I imagined. In my imagination, everything goes the way I want it to. I am in control in my mind. In reality however, that is not the case. I can’t control situations or people and so things may not go as I anticipated. This was a really sobering thought for me.

I think part of what gets me down so often, is having an unrealistic expectation. I have things all mapped out in my mind and usually it doesn’t work out that way. Of course I would be disappointed, of course I would be down.

So now, I will just try to remind myself that I am not in control and that it is highly unlikely  that anything will turn out, just how I imagined.

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Left out , part 2

As you know, now I have 3 children. All 3 of my children have developmental delays and 2 of them have been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.

So now, although I have children, I still feel left out of the conversation sometimes. My friends will talk about all the things their kids are doing and they are younger than my own children. I may see a child out and hear them babbling away or having a genuine conversation. I hesitate to ask how old they are, but usually my curiosity gets the better of me and I ask anyway. I usually end up feeling even more down than before, when I realize that the child is only 2 or 3 and speaks better than my 5 year old.

I am grateful that my children continue to develop and learn new things everyday. When, I get down I just remind myself, that although they are behind in their development, they are still learning and eventually meeting those milestones. My boys are all very happy kids and love to laugh and play. They make me smile and a hug from them is just what I need at the end of the day.

Even though, I may not be able to contribute to the conversation right now in all the areas, one day I will cheer and shout and start my own conversation. Celebrate the small victories.

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Left out

Have you ever been in a conversation and other people were talking about a topic or subject that you desperately wish you could contribute to? I used to feel that way all the time, when people would talk about their children and I was struggling with infertility. It got to a point where I couldn’t go to baby showers or other events where there may be an infant. Now this was no easy task, because my family was expanding. I had a couple of nieces and nephews born during this time and  a couple of close friends also had children.

Another place, I felt left out of was church. All around me were babies and children or pregnant women. I was constantly being asked, when we were going to start a family and that question was so painful. Our struggle with infertility leaked out into the church and I was so embarrassed. In some ways, it was good. I had a lot of prayer and support from our church members and it made things a bit easier. At least they understood why I would flee from the sanctuary during the baby dedications or skip Mother’s Day service.

The question I hated the most was “Do you have children?. Um I never understood why women felt the need to ask other women that question. Even before my introduction into the infertility world, I would never ask a woman that question. Just talk to a woman long enough, if she has children it will come up.  It’s much safer and less hurtful that way. You never know the struggles of the person your speaking with.

Now I have a new reason to feel left out. More on that in the second post.

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Blogging 101: My dream audience

I don’t know that I really have a dream audience. I have so many experiences I could share that could help others. One of my goals in starting this blog is to get my story out. When I was hurting and needing encouragement, I turned to blogs and books to find hope.

I suppose that the first thought that comes to my mind, when asked that question is to be an encouragement to women who are suffering from infertility, miscarriage and pregnancy loss.

As I mentioned briefly earlier, my husband and I went through 4 years of this. I got pregnant a few short months after we were married only to find out we had lost the baby before we even had our initial doctors visit. The second time I became pregnant a few months later and the outcome was roughly the same. Getting pregnant, then became my obsession. I read every book I could find and website. I learned everything I could. I changed my diet, exercised and did anything else I thought would help.

My world turned into nothing but days on a calendar. My life revolved around ovulation days and days after ovulation, and how soon I could take a pregnancy test. The highs and lows came often and were either really high or really low.

We began infertility treatment with an RE. My first test results were not the best. My hormone levels were high for my age and I was told that it would be unlikely for me to conceive on my own without meds. We tried a few cycles with just clomid but that did not work. We then moved on to an IU.

Our first attempt was successful, I got pregnant, but six weeks later, I was in the hospital with a tubal pregnancy and internal bleeding, having emergency surgery. I lost one of my tubes as well as the baby. That was the point my world came crashing down. I thought, “If I had such a hard time getting pregnant with two tubes, how on earth would I get pregnant with just one?”

We tried IUI two more times, and I became pregnant both times, but lost the baby early on. In all 5 pregnancies, we never made it to the ultrasound to see the heartbeat.

After number five, I gave up. I stopped trying and just decided that my life could not revolve around this anymore. I was losing myself and my marriage was suffering.

You already know that there is a happy ending to this story. I did go on to have 3 wonderful boys in a period of 5 years.

I hope you don’t think that I am saying, that I ended up having children because  I quit trying. I could not stand that when people told me that. My children are all miracles and I am so grateful for them.

The doctor’s don’t always have all the answers.

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A little more to my story

I am a mother to 8 children. My husband and I experienced 4 years of infertility and pregnancy loss before we had our 3 living children. I have suffered 5 miscarriages, one of which was a tubal pregnancy. I hope that in writing this blog that I can help encourage someone along their journey of pregnancy loss and infertility.

When I was in this space 5 years ago, going through yet another loss and wondering if I would ever have children, reading other women’s stories really helped me a lot.

Two of my children have special needs and I will also be sharing about my experiences with this as well. This part of my life’s journey is still new to me but I am learning more and more each day.

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Blogging 101 Introduction

Hello everyone,

My name is Adrienne and I am new to the blogging world. I decided to start a blog because I hope to be able to encourage others in their everyday life.  I am a stay at home mom with three children. Two of my children have special needs. All of my children are 5 and under and keep me very busy.

My goal is to help others by sharing some of my experiences.

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